Production Diary #1 – Writing a Chinese Sitcom

August 27, 2012 11 Comments

Note: The image above is from the popular Chinese sitcom, iPartment. It has recently been accused of stealing jokes and scenarios from both Friends and How I Met Your Mother. We will not be doing that >_>

Yeah, you read that right, I’m lead writer in a team working to put together a Chinese sitcom. More than that – I’m also one of the star characters.

Ten years ago when I received my Bachelor of Arts with a major in theatre, I never once dreamed I’d ever have the chance to be in a genuine television show. And I certainly never anticipated that the show would be being filmed and aired halfway around the world in China.

Hell, I didn’t think I’d ever even live here.

Recruited

How does a humble ESL teacher/travel blogger become involved in a Chinese sitcom? Well, that’s a long and not very interesting story. Suffice to say, a friend saw a post on a Nanjing expat website and suggested another friend and I get in touch about doing some extra work.

Heading to our meeting with the producer at Blue Sky, we had no idea we’d take on such crucial roles in the entire process. Over beers with Tian, the man behind last year’s hotly debated web-series, Nexpats, we began to realize that he had something entirely more ambitious in mind than a series with low production values and a cast made up of people with no real experience in acting.

Above: The trailer for the original Nexpats. You can see Nexpats episode one here.

As we talked, it became clear that Tian had set his sights high. We weren’t making some crummy web series. We weren’t even aiming so low as to compare ourselves to a basic cable series. No, Tian likened what he had in mind to How I Met Your Mother or Friends, but for a Chinese audience?

Did I think it was possible? Not on your life.

Do I think it might be possible now? I’m starting to think success isn’t beyond the realms of possibility.

The Premise

Like all successful sitcoms, the series focuses on the lives of some relatively ordinary people. And unlike the overly serious (and often melodramatic) tone of last year’s Nexpats, this one aimed at being a funny and engaging show about expat life in China, or more specifically, in Nanjing.

Let’s meet the cast:

Marcus: A 28 year old Englishman who came to China in 2008 for the Beijing Olympics and hasn’t really left. He works an unsatisfying teaching job beneath an oppressing boss and where he shares office space with Cherry, Obama, and Cindy. As of late, he has begun questioning whether it is time to return to the real world.
Cindy: Marcus’ 26 year old Chinese girlfriend. Like Marcus, she feels the pressure to become a ‘grown up’ and has begun to push Marcus for more commitment than their largely clandestine affair.
Obama: Marcus’ Chinese roommate. A man-child obsessed with American culture, he believes he and Marcus to be better friends than they actually are.
Cherry: Marcus’ co-worker and a girl who showers him with unrequited attention. Aggressive and sometimes downright psychotic, she’s determined to make Marcus hers at any cost.
William: Marcus’ oldest friend in China. A 29 year old Australian who quit the teaching life to cross over into business in Shanghai. A womanizing, arrogant, and often offensive lout – he does have a soft spot that he keeps buried underneath a magnificent ginger beard and a gruff exterior.
Natalie: A 25 year old American student studying Chinese traditional medicine. She is naive, bullish, and often overwhelmed by just how different China is to what she had expected. Prone to trusting what she reads over what she experiences, she ends up in embarassing situations entirely too often for her liking.
Aaron: Natalie’s 26 year old American boyfriend. It’s never quite clear what Aaron does for money, but he does have a steady stream of random jobs. A man with a laid back demeanor and an odd sense of humor, he and Natalie couldn’t be less alike.

Chinese sitcom cast — Myself (William) and Kara (Natalie) long before we knew we’d be co-stars

At this point only the ‘white’ roles have been cast. I will (if it weren’t already obvious) play William while my friends Hoggie and Kara will play Marcus and Natalie respectively. Barron, the only survivor from the original Nexpats cast, is commuting from Shanghai to participate in filming. If you’ve watched the trailer above, he’s the larger guy pictured. Very funny guy and a talented actor.

The Writing Process for a Chinese Sitcom

Fairly early on, it became evident that we weren’t just going to be acting. Nor was our input going to be limited to simply suggesting a few common foreigner ‘mix-ups’ to base scenes around.

No, we three would be the lead writers on the entire show. And if you had the misfortune of reading the cliche riddled and comedy lacking original script, you’d better understand just how much work it looked like it was going to be.

But the biggest challenge (bigger than the prospect of writing six episodes from scratch) was writing a Chinese sitcom that would be funny to us as Westerners, but also accessible to a Chinese audience. That challenge remains the biggest hurdle we face every time we sit down to write – even two months on.

Six episodes are done and we’re now working on a seventh and final one. We’ve explored common foreigner issues such as racism, miscommunication at work, pressure from ‘the real world’, the risks of traveling abroad with a partner, dating the Chinese, making friends in China, and language barrier. I’m pleased to say that only one episode ends without me having bedded at least one nubile Chinese girl.

And that was the episode I wrote.

Womanizing Australian — I ask you, does this look like the face of a womanizing jerk?
Don’t answer that!

What’s our process? Kara, Hoggie, and I regularly get together to brainstorm ideas and bounce jokes off of one another. Combining an Australian’s often crude sense of humor with an Englishman’s love of the surreal & absurd and an American’s love of convention hasn’t been easy, nor has been working to ensure our jokes are both accessible and inoffensive for a Chinese audience.

When an episode is complete, it’s passed on to Tian who reviews the plot and generally picks it apart. A meeting is held and Melanie (our production assistant) joins us in brow-beating Tian into submission when his ideas are bad. When they’re good, they’re taken down and we try and find a way to work them into the script.

Occasionally, our production company chimes in. And that leads us to…

Production Headaches and Miscommunication

We’ve only met our production team (Dream Street) once and it was an unmitigated disaster. Nobody on their staff speaks or reads English, and nobody on our cast/writing team speaks or reads Chinese.

What ensued was the most awkward two hours of my life. The foreign crew huddled on a couch and were occasionally instructed (through an interpreter) to stand up and ‘act out’ the unfinished script. We would then be criticized for not using the imaginary props or knowing the script (which was not one we’d written) off by heart.

On our end, we quickly became frustrated with being largely ignored as the Chinese in attendance talked amongst themselves and we were left out of the process.

Since then, we’ve enjoyed a somewhat frosty relationship with the people who will be directing and filming the show. And the biggest issue?

The Casting Process for a Chinese Sitcom

While Kara, Hoggie, and I seemed to land our roles in the show by default – Barron was brought back on board after being the sole genuinely talented member of the Nexpats cast. But since bringing together the foreign contingent before my US trip, no progress has been made on casting the Chinese cast members despite our continued requests.

With filming on episode one supposed to be in the can before Kara heads to Europe on September 18th, we’ve still yet to meet a single member of the Chinese cast. When you consider one of them needs to look like they’re comfortable dating a foreigner and another (Obama) is supposed to be my character’s bestest bud, you can see why we might want to spend some time building a rapport with our co-stars.

But it’s more than that. The biggest frustration we’re having as writers is that we’re creating these amusing characters (Obama is the show’s comic foil and Cherry isn’t far behind) – we have no idea whether the actors exist to pull off the roles. It’s not just having an understanding of English – it’s going to require genuine comedic timing.

And as somebody who landed a good many HDs (high distinctions) as an actor in comedic roles, I can tell you that comedy is not as easy as reading funny lines from a bit of paper. Don’t let Jerry Seinfeld convince you otherwise.

We’re around three weeks from the proposed wrap for episode one’s shooting, and we’re short a cast, locations, and a shooting schedule. To say it’s seeming a little disorganized is an understatement and I feel bad that Tian has to hear our worries because he’s our line to the production company.

But when/where can I see it? (And what’s it called?

The name, at this point, remains a mystery. The schools of thought are split between Tian and we Western writer folk. We’re still battling to come up with something mutually pleasing. Care to help?

Go East
Lost in Transit
Chinatown Bus
This is China (TIC)
Be Gentle, I’m Oriental
When in China

Any of those grab your attention?

As soon as I know, you best believe I’ll be sharing it on my YouTube channel and letting you all know. The tentative filming schedule has/had us finishing our pilot by September 18th and filming the other six episodes in time for a December release. We’d then begin work on season two writing for a Spring Festival (Jan/Feb 2013) shooting schedule.

Between the pilot and filming the remainder of the season, we’ll be doing the rounds with the media. I’m talking newspapers, local magazines, TV, and even being wined and dined should things get off and running in good order. And you best believe they’ll all be receiving Aussie on the Road business cards…

Stay Tuned

So there’s the story so far. We’ve got seven (I think) funny episodes, half a cast, and big dreams. Hopefully you’ll all get to see them realized.

Hopefully, this show launches me from teacher/travel blogger to teacher/travel blogger/mega-star in China. That’d be nice.

Countdowns, United States

Five Things to do in an American Summer

August 25, 2012 9 Comments

The American Obsession

When you think about the American summer, what springs to mind? 4th of July fireworks? BBQ and Bud Lite or (shudder) Pabst Blue Ribbon? How about young love at summer camp or taking a break from it all in a cabin by the lake?

Off topic, but check out Joss Whedon’s new movie, The Cabin in the Woods. It’s tops.

The fact is, there are more cliches when it comes to an American summer than almost anything else. Living in Australia, we’re fed a steady stream of US TV shows, books, and movies – so it’s not a surprise that the idea of spending summer in America has always held appeal to me. From Grease to American Pie to the works of Stephen King, I’ve always been enchanted by and drawn to the American lifestyle.

That might be obvious given my track record with American girls – my current girlfriend is from Maryland and I dated an Idaho girl for two years as well. There was a lass from Seattle in there at some point as well.

So, when I received an invite to my friend Rob’s wedding earlier this year, I was most excited to read it would be held in Chicago in early August. As soon as I got to China and had my feet under me, I’d put in for five weeks leave so that I could experience an American summer first hand. And boy, did I!

I’m talking fireworks over Miami, theme parks, walking the boardwalks of Ocean City and Santa Monica, hiking in beautiful Yosemite National Park, collecting seashells on Sanibel Island, drinking beer on the Oregon Coast, kissing pretty girls on hot summer nights, and eating entirely too much fast food along the way.

There’s a whole slew of entries to come about a lot of the above, but for now, I thought I’d recount five quintessentially American experiences that anybody should experience before they die.

Five Things You Must Do in an American Summer

Summer is almost over in the United States for another year, so perhaps put a few of these on your own bucket list and save them for a rainy day. When you’re next stuck in traffic, listening to your mate ramble on about his boat finance in WA, or staring listlessly out the window at work, conjure up a few of these travel daydreams and start putting money aside. For me, an American summer is an experience any traveler (not from the US) should experience.

Rollercoaster at Ocean City, MD — The rollercoaster at Jolly Roger’s boardwalk amusement park in Ocean City, Maryland.

The Boardwalk Experience

There are few images quite as iconic as the garishly lit boardwalk in summer. The sun is setting over the ocean and the air is thick with the smells of hot dogs, cotton candy, fresh popcorn, funnel cake, and burgers still sizzling on the grill. Couples young and old are wandering hand in hand and the distant purr of the ocean is oftentimes drowned out by the tinny music of carnival attractions and the hustle and bustle of a crowd of merry makers.

The food may be heart-stoppingly bad for you and you’re likely to come home with more tacky souvenirs than you’ll ever need, but there’s just something ubiquitously American about boardwalk culture. Whether you’re enjoying the street performance or trading in game tokens for a stuffed toy, it’s hard not to be transformed back into a kid under the brightly colored lights.

Bixby Bridge, California — Driving Route 101 was one of the highlights of my US trip this summer. Bixby Bridge is pictured here.

Go on a Road Trip

I spoke at length about the best US road trips only last week, and I enjoyed a few lengthy drives myself during my recent tour. Movies like Road Trip and Into the Wild have glamourized the road trip and made it more mainstream, but it’s still very much the same as it’s always been. Friends, a car, a cooler full of drinks, and liberal stops at roadside service stations and fast food joints to ‘refuel’.

With a few good mix tapes (or playlists, these days) hooked up and sleep coming in shifts, the road trip transforms what is sometimes the worst part of travel into the most exciting part.

A good road trip also has the benefit of giving you freedom to travel at your own pace. No tour groups, no boarding times, and no fat guy snoring next to you on a long haul trip. Unless, of course, you invite one.

At the Arizona State Fair in the fall of 2009. Good times.

Attend a State Fair

This one may seem similar to visiting the boardwalk, but a state (or even county) fair is another experience you just have to have. While we do have our own equivalent in Australian (agricultural shows or just ‘shows’), they rarely aspire to the same level of decadence that I saw when attending the Arizona State Fair in the autumn of 2009.

There are rides and food stalls aplenty, but there’s also the usual horde of sideshow games as well. But the true piece of Americana, and the reason I suggest a visit to the fair as part of any American summer itinerary, is to experience the culture of the locals. Tractor pulls, rodeos, concerts of local music, and arts & crafts exhibitions are all an excellent way to better familiarize yourself with the people and their day to day lives.

While the freak-shows of the dust bowl era may be well and truly behind us, there are still strange sights to behold. Over-sized cattle, giant white gators, fried insects to nibble on, turkey legs the size of my bicep… and let’s not forget the opportunity to people watch, either. Seeing locals out having a good time is a big part of the draw too.

Seattle Mariners at Safeco Field — Cody offers us a wee bit of funnel cake at the Mariners v Blue Jays game during my recent US trip.

Spend a night at the baseball

Often recognized as the American pastime, the American summer is baseball season and with over 2,300 games being played in the MLB alone each year – it really is something you should be able to find time for.

The barkers selling hot dogs, the organ playing songs like Take Me Out to the Ballgame, over-priced beer, foul balls heading toward outstretched gloves, and kids clambering for a glimpse of their favourite player combine to make a day at the baseball one of the most iconic American experiences a traveler can have.

I was lucky enough to attend a Seattle Mariners game during my trip, and that’s an experience I’ll share soon. But if the price of the MLB is too much for you, don’t forget there are minor league teams scattered across the United States. You don’t need to spend big bucks to enjoy a hot dog, a beer, and a good game of America’s most popular game.

Soaking in the sun in Hayden Lake, Idaho back in 2009.

Rent a Lake House

In my eyes, nothing screams ‘American summer’ more than a lake house – but there’s no reason why a beach house shouldn’t feature in your itinerary either. Coming from Australia, a weekend or week away at the beach isn’t so unusual – but the idea of roughing it out in the wilderness by a lake is just alien to me. Australia just doesn’t have large bodies of fresh water.

I fell in love with Coeur d’Alene in northern Idaho when I first laid eyes upon its many lakes, and exposure has in no way dulled my fascination with these deep, blue, mysterious bodies of water. Maybe it’s reading too much Stephen King or watching too many movies – but lake houses just speak to me.

Above: My first leap into chilly Hayden Lake in the early fall of 2009.

The pine forest, the isolation, the stereotypical dock out over the deep water, and the everything that comes with a trip away to a lake house. Toasting s’mores, telling ghost stories, drinking from a red solo cup while floating in a tube. BBQing burgers and brats… I’m getting itchy feet just thinking about it.

Santa Monica Pier, California — Santa Monica Pier – arguably America’s most famous boardwalk.

Your Say

I’ve chosen five, but this list could easily be expanded to ten or fifteen. Hitting an amusement park, visiting a farmer’s market, heading to a National or State Park to do some hiking or biking, sailing, sunbathing, and countless other things leap to my mind as soon as I think I’m done compiling a list.

Summer anywhere in the world is a chance to get out and enjoy the warmer weather, but an American summer – to me – just can’t be topped.

What are your favourite things to do during the American summer?

Haven’t been? What do you do in your own country when summer rolls around? Do you think summer at home is better than a summer in the US?

The preceding post brought to you by Westralian Auto Finance.

Australia, Uncategorized

How to Speak Aussie: A Guide to Australian Slang

August 19, 2012 54 Comments

A Rough Guide to Australian Slang

Australian English (or Aussie slang, really) is a language of subtle poetry. A beautiful tongue made up of colourful metaphors and delicately constructed witticisms, but it is also a language of simplicity. It is the language of a people who call things what they are while simultaneously looking to limit the amount of time it takes to get a point across. It’s a contrasting tongue – a mix of the obvious (calling soda ‘fizzy drink’) and the almost indecipherable (‘putting it on the Never Never’ means paying on a credit card).

Australian English is a language that takes a little getting used to, but I’m hoping this far from complete guide to Australian slang will put you in good stead for those awkward few days where it’s all ‘G’day’ and ‘Strewth’ and you’ve got no idea what’s going on. But damned if it doesn’t sound sexy in that Aussie drawl.

After my recent trek to the US showed me just how confusing our language can be, I’ve gone ahead and put through a (far from complete) dictionary of Australian slang for your reading pleasure. Please do let me know if I’ve missed any and I’ll be sure to update.

Food & Drink

Pavlova — Don’t believe was New Zealanders say. Hell, don’t even believe the facts – pavlovas are as Australian as Phar Lap and Russell Crowe.

Australian food and Australian slang have quite a bit in common. We’re a people of relatively simple tastes, and you’ll notice that virtually everything gets shortened down. I’m certain I’ve missed more than a few here – particularly when it comes to regional variations. Help a brother out!

Avo: Short for avocado.
Barbie: Short for barbeque.
Beetroot: Beet. Popular on hamburgers.
Billy: Tea pot. Sometimes also refers to a bong.
Biscuit/Bickie: Cookie.
Booze: Alcohol.
Bottle Shop/Bottle-O: A liquor store.
Brekkie: Short for breakfast.
Bush Tucker: Food made from Australian native plants and animals.
Capsicum: Bell pepper.
Carton/slab: A pack of 24 beers (cans or bottles).
Chewie: Chewing gum. Bubble gum.
Chips: Used for both potato chips and fries (sometimes called hot chips).
Chook: Chicken.
Cuppa: A cup of tea.
Damper: Bread baked in campfire coals.
Devon/Luncheon: Bologna.
Dog’s eye with dead horse: Rhyming slang for meat pie with sauce.
Esky: Cooler or ice box.
Fairy floss: Cotton candy.
Fizzy Drink: Soda. Pop. Sometimes called Soft Drink.
Frankfurt/Saveloy/Cheerio: Weiner.
Goon: Cheap wine, usually purchased in a 4L box or cask.
Grog: Alcohol of any kind. See also grog bog.
Hamburger: It should be noted that all cases of something served between buns are called hamburgers in Australia. There are no chicken or fish sandwiches. Only chicken and fish burgers.
Iceblock/Icy Pole: Non dairy popsicle.
Icecream: Specific to the variety served in a cone.
Jug: Electric kettle.
Lamington: A square of sponge cake covered in chocolate icing (frosting) and coconut.
Lolly: Candy.
Long neck/tall boy: A 750ml beer bottle.
Maccas: McDonalds.
Middy (NSW & WA)/Handle (NT)/Schooner (SA)/Pot (All other states): A beer glass measuring 285mls (10 oz).
Morning Tea: Similar to recess or brunch. A light meal between breakfast and lunch.
On the piss: Drinking alcohol.
Pavlova/Pav: A dessert made of meringue, fresh fruit, and cream.
Paw Paw: Papaya.
Pint (All states bar SA)/Imperial Pint (SA): A beer glass measuring 570mls (20 oz).
Piss: Alcohol. Ex: Nah mate, I was on the piss all weekend.
Pluto Pup/Dagwood Dog: Akin to a corn dog, but made using flour instead of corn meal.
Prawn: Large shrimp. Not eaten fresh from the barbie.
Roast: Sometimes called a baked dinner. A roast meat with vegetables.
Rock Melon: Cantaloupe.
Roo: Kangaroo meat.
Sanger: Short for sandwich.
Schooner (All states bar SA)/Pint (SA): A beer glass measuring 425mls (15 oz).
Silverside: Corned beef.
Skull: To ‘chug’ a beer. Generally in one go.
Smoko: A smoke or coffee break.
Snag: Sausage.
Spag Bol: Spaghetti bolognese.
Spirits: Liquor.
Spud: Potato.
Stubby: A 375ml beer bottle.
Sweets: Dessert.
Tea: Not to be confused with the drink. This is another word for dinner.
Tinny/stubbie: Can of beer.
Tomato sauce: Ketchup. What Americans call tomato sauce is known as pasta sauce in Australia.
Tucker: Food.
Tucker bag/box: A container for food.
Turps: Short for turpentine, but also used to refer to alcohol.
Vegemite: A salty, yeast based spread.
Yabby/Craybob/Crayfish: Fresh-water shellfish.

A Note on Beer Measurement: Australians love their beer, but they also love to confuse the hell out of anybody ordering it. Each state generally has its own terms for various glass sizes and, to confuse matters more, these names sometimes mean completely different things in different states.

australian beers — Which one is the odd one out?

A ‘schooner’ is 15oz/425mls in all states except South Australia, where it is a 10oz/285ml drink. Meanwhile, a ‘pint’ in South Australia is 150oz/425mls, but measures 20oz/570ml in every other state.

Confused? We all are.

Friendships & Dating

You may notice that Australians are a sometimes coarse people, and that is true of Australian slang and of dating in Australia. We’re not afraid to call a spade a spade and a prawn a prawn, nor do we shy away from discussing our sexual exploits with our mates.

I’m always surprised when I notice just how commonly used the ‘C word’ is in Australian day to day language. Hell, we drop the F-Bomb like it’s just another word.

funny bikini — I’ll be right back, lads. Just duckin’ down under for a few minutes.

B&S: Bachelors and Spinsters ball. A dance where singles meet.
Bastard: Often used as a term of endearment between friends.
Clacker: Anus. See also date.
Cobber: See mate.
Crack a fat: Get an erection.
Crack on: To hit on or make sexual advances towards. Ex: She goes alright. Reckon I might crack on to her.
Dog: An unattractive woman.
Franger: Condom. Ex: Mate, can you lend us a franger? This girl’s a bit of a goer.
G’day: Hi. Hello.
Gash: Vagina. See also flaps.
Gobbie: A blowjob.
Goes Alright: Somebody who ‘goes alright’ is considered to be an attractive and/or likable person.
Goer: A ‘goer’ is somebody who likes sex. Ex: She’s a bit of a goer.
Kangaroos loose in the top paddock: Crazy.
Map of Tassie: Pubic hair on a woman.
Mate: Friend.
Missus: Girlfriend. Partner. Wife.
Pash: A passionate kiss. French kiss. Ex: Did you guys pash last night?
Perve: Short for pervert. Also, ‘to look’. Ex: Yeah mate, I had a sneaky perv. She’s a bit of a prawn.
Pink bits: Female genitalia.
Prawn: A derogatory term for somebody with a nice body but a bad face. Similar to ‘butter face’.
Root: Sex.
Root rat: Somebody who is always looking for sex. Most men.
Shag: Sex.
Spunk: A good looking person. Usually male.
Tackle: Male genitalia.
Wristie: Hand job.

Sports & Leisure

Aerial Ping Pong: Derogatory term for Aussie Rules football. See also Gay FL.
Aussie Rules: Australian rules football. Popular in South Australia, Victoria, and Western Australia.
Bathers/Swimmers/Togs: Swimming costume.
Blue: A fight. Ex: Me and my missus had a blue last night.
Boil-over: An unexpected sporting result.
Bottler: A particularly exciting game.
Boys, the: The team. Ex: Full credit to the boys. They gave 100% tonight.
Budgie Smugglers/Banana Hammock: Y-Front swimmers for a man.
Cream: To defeat by a large margin. Ex: See the game last night? We creamed ’em!
Football/Footy: Dependent on region can mean Aussie Rules, Rugby, Rugby Union, or Association Football.
Full credit: Well done.
Rooted: Tired. Exhausted.
Rape: To defeat by a large margin. Ex: Did you see the game last night? We absolutely raped ’em!
Rugby: Specifically rugby union. Popular with wankers.
Rugby League: 13 man variety of rugby with a larger national following than rugby. Popular in NSW and QLD.
Wog Ball: Derogatory term for association football/soccer.

Names and Name Calling

Bogan — A bogan in his natural environment.

Name-calling in Australia is standard operating procedure amongst friends, and it’s not uncommon to be called worse things by your friends than by your enemies. It’s also, sadly, a language littered with racial slurs – a few of which I’ve included today. And like all Australian slang, it bounces from the imaginative to the painfully unoriginal.

Banana Bender: A resident of Queensland.
Battler: An ‘Aussie battler’ is somebody who works hard against the odds.
Bludger: A lazy person. Somebody unemployed.
Bogan: Akin to ‘white trash’. People of low income and generally low education.
Chink/Slope: A derogatory and racist term for an Asian of any kind.
Cockroach: A person from New South Wales.
Crow Eater: A resident of South Australia.
Cuntstruck: Spellbound by a woman. Equivalent to ‘pussy whipped’.
Dag: A socially awkward person. Ex: You’re such a dag, Tezza!
Derro: Homeless person. Short for ‘derelict’.
Digger: Soldier.
Dill: An idiot.
Dipstick/Drongo/Dropkick: Idiot. Fool.
Dux: Top of the class.
Feral: Hippie. Unkempt individual. Unattractive person.
Frog: A person from France.
Fucktard: Short for ‘fucking retard’. An especially dumb person.
Galah: A silly or unintelligent person.
Horse’s Hoof: Rhyming slang. A homosexual.
Kiwi: A person from New Zealand.
Larrikin: A man who is always having a good time.
Lemon: Derogatory term for a lesbian. Also dyke and lezzo.
Mexican: A resident of Victoria.
Piker: Somebody who leaves a party early.
Pom: A British person.
Poof/Poofter: Derogatory term for a homosexual. Fag is also common.
Seppo: An American.
Shark biscuit: A newcomer to surfing.
Sheep Shagger: A person from New Zealand.
Sheila: Woman.
Soap Dodger: A person from England.
Sook: An overly emotional or sensitive person. See also Sooky La La.
Sticky-beak: A nosy person. Can be used as a verb meaning “to look”.
Sunshine: Condescending term. A weak or emotional person. Ex: Quit your cryin’, sunshine.
Tasweigan: A person from Tasmania.
Wog: Somebody of Mediterranean origin. Not necessarily derogatory.
Woos/Wooz: A cowardly or soft hearted person.
Yank: An American.

Phrases

crocodile dundee — Crikey, cobber. Are you pullin’ me leg? Fair go!

These ones always make people laugh and there are a few here I rarely use. But I’ve heard every one of these more than once in my life and in my mind, they’re the best bits about Australian slang. Brace for amusement.

Back of Bourke: A long way away. See also Beyond the Black Stump
Built like a brick shit-house: Muscular or broad shouldered. Ex: Did you see him? He’s built like a brick shit house!
Busy as a cat burying shit: Busy.
Chuck a wobbly: To overreact to something.
Cross as a frog in a sock: Very angry.
Dingo’s breakfast: A yawn, a piss, and a look around. The absence of food.
Dry as a nun’s nasty: Very dry.
Fair suck of the sav: An expression of shock and disbelief.
Flat out like a lizard drinking: Very busy.
Give it a burl: Give something a true. Ex: Ah mate, I’ll give it a burl.
Give them the flick: To break up with somebody. Ex: Yeah, he was cheatin’ on me so I had to give him the flick.
Goes off like a frog in a sock: Pretty terrific.
Grinning like a shot fox: Satisfied. Happy.
Had a gutful: Fed up. Ex: Mate, I’ve had a gutful of your shit. Fuck off.
Have a gander: To take a quick look.
Have tickets on oneself: To have a high opinion of oneself.
I hope your chickens turn to emus and kick your dunny door down: I wish bad luck upon you, good sir.
I’m not here to fuck spiders: Why else would I be here? Ex: Want a beer, mate? Well, I’m not here to fuck spiders.
Lower than a dead dingo’s donger: Depressed.
Mad as a cut snake: Furious. Ex: Leave him be, Bruce. He’s mad as a cut snake right now.
Off his face/off her chops: To be very drunk. Either one is fine for either sex.
Piece of piss: Easy.
Pissed as a fart: Really drunk.
Pour yourself a glass of concrete (and harden the fuck up): Stop complaining. Ex: Oh, you cut your finger? Pour yourself a glass of concrete, sunshine.
Put it on the Never Never: Pay for something with a credit card.
She’ll be right: It will all be okay.
Spit the dummy: To become very angry. To have a tantrum.
Stands out like a dog’s balls: Obvious. See also Stands out like a shag on a rock.
Strike a light!: An exclamation of surprise or frustration.
Taking the mickey/Taking the piss: Making fun of somebody or something.
That’d be right: Accepting bad news. Ex: She’s not coming? That’d be right.

Miscellany

funny australia map — Pretty accurate, actually.

Didn’t find it anywhere above? There’s a good chance that enigmatic piece of Australian slang that’s had you scratching your head can be found below. It’s a messy little mish-mash of words and exclamations, but that’s why God (or was it Steve Jobs?) invented the search function.

Arvo: Afternoon.
Aveagoodweekend: Have a good weekend.
Beaut/Beauty: Something good. Ex: I just won the lottery. You beauty!
Big Note: To self promote. See also ‘talk up’.
Big Smoke: City.
Bloke: Man.
Bloody: Very. Ex: It’s bloody hot out today.
Blowie: Short for blow-fly. A large variety of fly in Australia.
Bogged: Stuck in the mud in a car.
Boondoggle: An expensive waste of money. A white elephant.
Bonza: Very good.
Bored shitless: Especially bored.
BrisVegas: Brisbane.
Cactus: Not working. Broken. Ex: Nah mate, I can’t make it; my car’s cactus.
Cark It: To die. Ex: Didn’t you hear? Her mother carked it on Sunday.
Chrissy: Short for Christmas.
Chuck: To throw or pass. Ex: Chuck us a beer, would you?
Chuck on: To turn on. Ex: Chuck on the telly, Kev.
Cleanskin: Unlabelled wine.
Cranky: In a bad mood.
Crikey: An exclamation of surprise.
Crook: Sick or unwell. Ex: Yeah mate, she’s real crook.
Cubby House: A small outdoor play-house. A tree house without the tree.
Daks/Strides: Pants. Trousers.
Date: Asshole. Anus. Ex: Did you see that? That guy just flashed his date at us.
Deadset: True.
Dinky Di: The real deal. Legitimate.
Dole, the: Unemployment benefits. Ex: Yeah, I’m on the dole, eh?
Dob: To tell on somebody or rat them out. Ex: You’re smoking? I’m going to dob on you!
Docket: Receipt. Bill.
Doovalacky: Gizmo. Fancy gadget.
Doozy: An exceptional event or occurrence. Ex: That party was a doozy!
Dumper: A wave that ‘dumps’ a person on their ass or head.
Dunny: Toilet.
Earbash: To talk at or yell at incessently. Ex: Mate, she gave me an ear-bashing last night.
Fair dinkum: Legitimate. True. Can be used as a question or a statement. Ex: Are you being fair dinkum, mate?
Fair go: A chance. Ex: Mate, you didn’t even give me a fair go. How fucked is that?
Fossick: To prospect for gems or minerals. Also, to look for something in general.
Fucked: Broken or unfair. Ex: It’s fucked.
Furphy: A lie or rumour.
Gob: Mouth.
Gone walkabout: Missing. Departed.
Good onya: Good job. Kudos.
Grog Bog/Bog Baby: The painful (and usually foul smelling) bowel movement one makes after a night of drinking.
Grouse: Good. Ex: A new iPhone? That’s pretty grouse!
Grundies/Undies: Underwear.
Gyno: Gynecologist.
Heaps: Lots.
Hooroo: Goodbye.
Kindie: Short for kindergarten.
Knock back: To reject. Ex: I had to knock the job back, mate.
Laughing tackle/laughing gear: Face or smile.
Mate’s rates: Discount for a friend.
Mob: A group of people.
Mobile phone: Cellphone.
Mozzie: Short for mosquito.
Nah yeah: Yes.
Nipper: A child.
No worries/no dramas: Not a problem. You’re welcome.
Nuddy: Naked. Ex: Yeah mate, I had to run around the Gabba in the nuddy.
Oi: Pay attention. Ex: Oi! Look at that sheila’s tits!
Olds: Parents. Ex: I’m going round to the olds’ place tonight.
Op Shop/Vinnies/Salvos: Goodwill or thrift store.
Out in the Sticks: In a rural area.
Pig’s arse: Not true. Bullshit.Ex: You slept with her? Aw, pig’s arse you did!
Pokies: Video poker machines. Slot machines.
Pommy Shower: To wear deodorant instead of showering.
Porky Pie: A lie. Ex: Mate, you’re telling porky pies!
Prezzie: Short for present.
Rack off: Get lost. Go away.
Reckon: Think. Ex: What do you reckon, mate?
Ridgy-didge: The real deal. Authentic.
Rip snorter: A great time. Ex: That party last night was a bloody rip-snorter!
Ripper: Good. Great. Ex: We won? You little ripper!
Rock up: To arrive. Ex: You can’t just rock up without calling, Shane.
Ropeable: Very unhappy.
Rort: To cheat or rip off. An unfair deal. Ex: Tickets to the Acca Dacca concert are a bloody rort!
Rubbish: Not true. Also, trash.
Scratchie: A scratch lottery ticket.
Shart: A fart with ‘follow through’ of the messy variety.
Shit house: Not good.
Shit Tonne/Metric Shitload: A lot. See also fuck tonne.
Sickie: Short for sick day. Ex: I don’t reckon I’ll go into work tomorrow. Might chuck a sickie.
She’ll be right: It will be okay.
Shoot through: Leave.
Shout: To pay for somebody else’s purchase. Ex: Your shout, mate. I’ll take a schooner of New.
Snarky/Stroppy: Being snide or critical. Short tempered.
Spewing: Vomiting. Or very angry.
Spiffy: Nice. Ex: That’s a nice hat, Shazza. Pretty spiffy!
Sprung: Caught doing something you shouldn’t be.
Squizz: A look. Ex: Give us a squizz, mate.
Strewth: An exclamation of surprise.
Stoked: Very pleased.
Stuffed: Tired. Not working anymore.
Tee up: Set up. Ex: I teed up an appointment at me gyno for tomorrow.
Telly: Short for television.
Thongs: Sandals. Flip flops.
Too right: Yes. Correct.
Uni: University. College.
Up oneself: To be arrogant or self obsessed. Ex: Don’t even talk to her, mate. She’s up herself.
Up someone: To be angry at somebody. Ex: She’s gonna get up you when she sees you, Trev.
Ute: Pickup truck.
Wag: To skip school.
Whinge: Complain.
Within Cooee: Nearby. Ex: Yeah mate. It’s within cooee of here. Just keep walking.
Wog: Influenza. Common cold.
Yak: Talk. Ex: Quit your yakking back there!
Yarn: A story. Ex: Tell us a yarn, Billy.
Yeah Nah: No. Ex: Yeah nah, I can’t make it this weekend, eh?
Yewy: U-turn. Ex: Mate, just chuck a yewy and we’ll be there.
Youse: You (multiple people). You all. Ex: Youse guys had better shut up.

Any missing?

I am 100% certain I haven’t covered the whole tapestry of words and images that make up Australian slang, so I need your help. If it’s not here, tell me! I want this to be a fun little resource for people, and that means getting as many words and phrases in as I can.

Strewth, mate! You’d think I was trying to pull the wool over your eyes. Just chuck us a few words and she’ll be right.

Headed to Australia?

You’ve brushed up on your Aussie lingo, so now it’s time to plan that dream trip to Australia!

Check out the Ultimate Australia Bucket List for some inspiration!

how to speak australian slang dictionary

Guest Post, Portland, Seattle, United States

Guest Post: The Beauty of the Pacific Northwest

August 17, 2012 3 Comments

When asked what I love best about the United States, the Pacific Northwest inevitably comes to mind. Maybe it’s the region’s similarity to the green, cool, and wet region of Australia I call home, but there’s something very appealing about Oregon, Washington State, and even northern Idaho.

My recent hikes in Yosemite National Park have reminded me just how refreshing it can be to experience nature’s beauty up close and personal, and reading this guest post – I’m beginning to wish I’d found more time to spend with nature while in Oregon and Washington State late last month.

The post below makes a few suggestions, but I’d nominate the beautiful Oregon Coast (Seaside, Astoria, and Tillamook being particular favourites) and Multnomah Falls just outside of Portland as honorable mentions as well. In my eyes, the Pacific Northwest is a truly underrated gem in a country with an abundance of natural beauty.

Beautiful Multnomah Falls outside of Portland is one of my absolute favourite spots in the United States.

The Beauty of the Pacific Northwest

The Pacific Northwest is the perfect place to escape from it all whilst reveling in the beauty of the great outdoors. The various hiking trails that can be found in this beautiful corner of the world will take you through a diverse array of landscapes ranging from cascading mountains to raging river gorges.

Forward planning is one of the most important aspects to remember when arranging any trip. When planning your hiking holiday it is essential to book your flights in advance if you want to ensure you don’t miss out. There is nothing quite as heart-breaking as leaving the booking of your flights to the last minute, only to find there are no seats left. Secure and book your flights with a site like Dealchecker and get ready to experience fantastic hiking options in the rugged beauty at the heart of the Pacific Northwest.

With so many incredible hiking trails available to take advantage of, it can be hard to know which one to choose. If you are staying in the area for an extended period, then why not opt to explore more than one?

The Coast

Floras Lake Beach – This beautiful beach hiking trail will take you along the coast giving you the opportunity to witness the spectacular 100ft high cliff lines. After that you can follow on the trail to enjoy the plentiful sand dunes and picturesque Floras Lakes during this 6 mile round trip. For all those adrenaline junkies out there the Floras Lake Beach also offers a number of water sports, including windsurfing.

The Columbia River Gorge

Coyote Wall – Coyote Wall is little known by tourists, but this columnar basalt ridge that rises across the river is truly stunning, as are the surrounding views. The hike features an abundance of native wildflower, flora and fauna. It is moderately difficulty due to the 1,700ft gain, but this can be avoided if you double back and return on the same path after viewing the gorge.

The Mountains

Mount Rainier- Starting out at the Sunrise Lodge, this hiking trail meanders 6,400ft atop the mountains paths. Guiding you past Frozen Lake to a breathtaking point at which you can almost reach out and touch the peak’s biggest glaciers; Emmons and Winthrop. This trail is best enjoyed during summer due to heavy snowfall in the winter months. It is a 10 mile round trip and is only for the most experienced hikers.

Mount Ranier — Probably the most iconic natural sight in Washington State, Mount Rainier looks ominously beautiful all year round. Image source.

I’ve given you three options above, but there is no shortage of stunning vistas and hidden hiking trails throughout Canada’s Pacific Northwest. If the above have whet your appetite, do a little Googling and you’ll find a wealth of places to explore.

Your Say

The Pacific Northwest of the United States (particularly Portland and the Oregon coast) is probably my favourite region in the United States, so I’m itching to check out more of the Pacific Northwest sometime.

Have you been? What would you recommend when it comes to exploring the USA or Canada’s great outdoors?

Oregon beach — A beach near Tillamook looking absolutely stunning on a warm summer afternoon during my recent US trip.

Florida, United States

Photo Essay: Beachcombing on Sanibel Island

August 17, 2012 3 Comments

Why Sanibel?

My adventures aren’t all threesomes, drunken exploration, and theme parks. Sometimes, even a handsome rogue such as myself needs a little break from taking a break.

And, sometimes this wanderlust fueled cad has to think about somebody other than himself when planning a trip. It was this combination of needing some downtime and wanting to cater to my travel partner’s love of seashells that took me to picturesque Sanibel Island in southern Florida.

The adventures themselves don’t bear much comment, but there was a lot of beauty packed into a relatively tiny corner of the world and I thought I’d share some of that with you. Enjoy.

Bowman’s Beach, Sanibel Island

Our first stop of the day would be idyllic and isolated Bowman’s Beach. Far away from the hotels and restaurants that draw the majority of Sanibel’s tourists, Bowman’s Beach is a beautiful little beach that felt quiet even with a big crowd of shell hounds and sunbathers in attendance.

Parking is paid on site and a short walk through some pretty undergrowth and over a bridge leads to a stretch of white sand, warm azure waters, and more shells than you can shake a stick of driftwood at.

Sanibel Dunes — The dunes approaching Sanibel Island’s isolated Bowman’s Beach.

Picnic on Sanibel — Fresh made sandwiches, mixed berries, ice cold beers, and chips. A perfect Sanibel picnic to start our day.

Cute couple — Yeah, I’m dating this pretty girl. Be jealous.

After breaking our fast (I fucking love that turn of phrase), it was time to indulge in the local obsession: shell hunting. While my contribution was little more than bobbing nearby in the near bathwater warm water, Heather avidly sifted through shells both in the water and on the shore in search of pretty additions to her collection back in Maryland.

We weren’t alone in the pursuit either. Kids and adults alike were wading about with heads down and feet stirring up shells, some with goggles and others with flotation devices and shovels. It’s serious business.

Bowman's Beach — The crowd out in force on a sunny Friday on Bowman’s Beach

Clouds over Bowman's Beach — The sky put on a dazzling, slow moving show overhead all day.

Kids in the ocean — The warm waters off Sanibel Island are calm and clear. Perfect for little shell hunters.

Two hours of soaking and searching had passed before the beautiful day Florida had turned out for us turned a little ugly. The crowd dissipated like proverbial ants before the coming rain, and soon we were alone on a near abandoned beach. Alas, bucket list item #178 didn’t come to fruition.

Someday.

Stormy sky over Sanibel Island — The sky turned angry as the day continued, but provided me with some fun photo opportunities.

Stormy skies — The steel skies overhead quickly clear the beach.

With the crowds washing away like dust after the first spring rain, we had the beach to ourselves to explore. Heather was able to capture a few choice items to add to her collection along the way, but the beach was literally littered with pretty little shells and shards of sand dollars. It was easy to see – even as a rank novice – why Sanibel is seen as a bit of a mecca for shell fanatics.

Sandcastles in the sand — A sandcastle decorated with Sanibel’s primary export

Beach towel on the sand — The view from my back on the towel. My favourite beach position.

Ominous storm clouds — Maybe that should be our queue to leave…

But even a hard-as-nails Aussie brawler like myself knows when he is overmatched. As the clouds rolled in like something out of Independence Day, I decided that discretion was perhaps the better part of valor and acquiesced to Heather’s suggestion that we seek shelter beneath something a little more substantial than the blanket we’d liberated from our host.

With one last wistful look back at Bowman’s Beach, it was off in search of a few more photo opportunities before the light abandoned us like the sun had.

Lighthouse Beach

Our next (and final) stop would be Lighthouse Beach; so named because (you guessed it) it is home to Sanibel’s historic lighthouse. And while it wasn’t the white-washed beauty that I imagine when I hear the word lighthouse, it still provided a few wonderful shots.

And thank God. Heather spent another two hours combing the beach for seashells and recently dead anemones to add to her collection.

Sanibel Lighthouse — It’s not the quintessential lighthouse, but Sanibel’s lighthouse does still have a certain charm in my opinion.

Lighthouse and driftwood — Being artsty with some of the driftwood and fallen trees that litter Lighthouse Beach

Of course, the beach is more than just a lighthouse. While the weather wasn’t inspiring us to leap into the water, there was beauty enough to be found scattered along the shore. An abundance of seashells, driftwood, seaweed, and animal life made for one of the more unique beach experiences I’ve had.

Fallen fence — A fallen bit of a fence on Lighthouse Beach catches my eye

Mystery — Heather isn’t quite sure what to make of her latest find

Enchanted girl — And enchanted by the next

The scattered shells on Lighthouse Beach put me in mind of some notorious shipwreck cove

Beachcombing — Heather picks her way along the shore in search of treasures

Driftwood pool — Water pools beneath this collection of trees, living and dead

Of course, we weren’t alone on the beach. Much like Bowman’s Beach, Lighthouse Beach also drew a healthy number of beachcombers looking to find treasures washed up during the storm. And while the weather was far from lovely, there was a wonderfully festive atmosphere as families explored together, photographers took advantage of the overcast conditions, and fishermen went out in search of their dinner.

I might have griped about carrying Heather’s stinky bag of findings, but in hindsight, the entire place was enchanting. Newly washed by the rain and alive with life, there was something really unforgettable about Lighthouse Beach and Sanibel in general. It might have been one of the less glamorous additions to our itinerary, but it’s one that I remember fondly.

We had a lovely chat with this New York fisherman and his wife, who told us of a beach on nearby Captiva Island littered with whole sand dollars. It’s a shame we didn’t have time to investigate.

Fisherman at sunset — Fishermen were out in force as the sun set over Sanibel Island

shells on the beach — Shells form a path back towards the car park for us

Pretty girl — Heather shows off another of her finds

By the time we’d made the round trip to the pier and back to the car again, the sun was on its way down and our bellies were rumbling. With no more food in the car, it was time to make our trek back to nearby Fort Myer. Our day on Sanibel Island might not have been thrill a minute, but damned if I didn’t enjoy it all the same.

A Note on Accommodation

Sanibel Island is not a place for the budget conscious, at least not from my research. It’s laden with resorts and the like, but there isn’t much for the backpacking set. Not that I imagine a great many backpackers are bee-lining for a place known more for seashells than anything else.

AirBnB proved a Godsend for us, though. We found a lovely apartment in Fort Myer that was far better than any hotel or hostel we could have hoped to find. Brian was a fantastic host and our private bedroom and ensuite bathroom were lovely. And when the host went away for the weekend, we got the run of the big kitchen, roomy balcony overlooking the river, and massive walk-in pantry laden with snacks and sandwich fixings.

fort myer apartment — The spacious living area and kitchen. Note the *huge* pantry in back.

The greatest balcony in the universe. Much Taco Bell was eaten out here. Trix too! Not at the same time >_>

Pool in Fort Myer — The view down from the apartment. Lovely pool and hammocks galore!

It was the closest to living in the lap of luxury our trip had. I couldn’t recommend Brian’s apartment higher when looking for accommodation in Sanibel (or around, in this case).

Your Say

I found Sanibel to be a wonderful side detour in an otherwise hectic Florida itinerary. What is your favourite little secret that you’d like to share?

In my eyes, this one reminded me of Tea Gardens in New South Wales. Quiet, beautiful, and a little off the radar. I’d thoroughly recommend a visit.

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G'day!

Chris

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