I woke this morning to a strange stirring in my pants. I’m no stranger to the occasional morning glory – but this was something a little different. There was a certain prescience involving in this turgid twitching. Something had triggered it.
Some flirtatious text from a certain beautiful girl I’ve been talking to? A message on OK Cupid?
Much to my surprise, it was something much, much more personal. You see, Will Peach (of Gap Daemon, TravelSexLife, and My Spanish Adventure fame) had included me in an illustrious list of 10 Travel Bloggers I’d Go Gay For.
And this was not just some shopping list. It was a catalogue of homoerotic fantasy inspired by some of the most handsome, charismatic, and (ahem) well endowed travel bloggers out there.
Need a taste?
“The thought of a sweat-drenched, bearded, Aussie man lugging his hefty backpack on the road as he inches towards me? Phwoar. I think I just blew my load a little. However since Chris showed his more sensitive side, in his revelations over the black dog, I’ve suddenly begun seeing him a new light. Mainly as that of a little puppy dog that I could wantonly care for.”
I’ve had girlfriends who haven’t had such lovely (albeit wildly inappropriate) things to say about me. Marry me, Will?
Once my ego boner had subsided, I began to contemplate who might make my own list of lusty daydreams. Not being quite as secure in my heterosexualtiy as Will, I’ve instead decided to make my list a little more conventional.
No more beating about the bush (pun definitely intended) – here’s my Top 15 Travel Blogging Crushes.
And yes, I’m sure I’m going to get in trouble for objectifying women here, but I bet the angriest ones are the ones not on the list. It’s all in good fun girls.
(I should say that, having been raised to be a gentleman, I found it really hard to be so blatantly sexual and inappropriate below)
#15 – Lindsay Hogg (Traveller World Guide)
What better way to kick off my list of travel crushes/secret lusts with the woman behind such sites as Traveller World Guide and the deliciously inappropriate Chicken Chunk? With those pretty green eyes and that sardonic grin, I definitely wouldn’t kick Lindsay out of bed for farting.
And I’d imagine she’s not above letting one rip between the sheets for comedic value.
I like my girls just a little saucy, and they don’t come much more sarcastic and devil may care than this delicious bit of Canadian crumpet.
#14 – Anthony Middleton (Man vs Clock)
Even as a red blooded heterosexual male, I’m hard pressed not to find this juicy bit of Geordie beef-cake just a wee bit attractive. Our mutual man crush is the stuff of legend – a pair of balding, teetotalist travel bloggers with a penchant for pretty girls and self improvement.
He came in at #1 on Will’s list and is the only man on mine, so you can imagine what a steaming hunk this guy must be. Don’t let that accent fool you guys, this man is as smooth as James Bond with a heart of gold.
#13 – Nicole McGrath (Hola! Chica Travels)
The lovely Latina from Miami breezed into this Aussie’s life late last year and took me on a few (entirely platonic) adventures including the Great Nomads Chase and some beach shenanigans in celebration of Chilean Independence Day. She later returned to my life for one last tantalizing encounter (see our Bite with a Blogger for details) before she fled to Melbourne.
One of the prettiest and sweetest girls I’ve had the pleasure of chatting with. Sadly, her blog is no more. It’s a shame, because she’s currently wrapping up a trip through freaking Antarctica!
#12 – Seattle Dredge (Seattle’s Travels) & Heather Carson (Ginger Nomads)
Maybe it’s because I’m just a little bit ginger myself, but I’ve always had a thing for red-heads. Hell, I lost my virginity to one.
An otherwise plain girl in high school could win my heart (or, at the very least, my lust) with a simple dye job. But these two fiery headed beauties are anything but plain.
The idea of rocking up to a club with these two fair skinned Goddesses on my arms isn’t exactly unappealing. There’s an entirely inappropriate joke about the carpet matching the drapes I could make, but I’ll be the bigger man.
#11 – Maria Alexandra Laborde (Latin Abroad)
With her wild hair and her saucy smile, Maria from Latin Abroad isn’t afraid to talk about the sexier side of travel. Her recent sex and travel bucket list raised more than just eyebrows, I’m sure.
A Puerto Riccan party animal with a kinky streak? That’s the kind of girl pre-sober Chris would have been all over!
#10 – Ashley & Diolis (Nomadik Nation)
Another double entry and you can’t help but wonder if the creators of Nomadik Nation (and it’s recent 10 sexiest bloggers list) wouldn’t be a package deal outside of the blogging world as well.
One can hope…
If I was absolutely forced to choose, I’d give Summer Heights High loving Diolis the edge – but don’t discount Ashlea. There’s just a hint of feistiness in her smile…
These two lovely ladies aren’t afraid to write about more controversial stuff and clearly have the…uh…assets to fill those Nomadik Nation t-shirts they’re always pimping. Definitely a pair of bloggers on the rise in both the blogosphere and this list.
And who knows? Maybe including them here will earn me some stroke for their next list?
#9 – Rebecca Enright (Backpacker Becki)
A relative newcomer to blogging, fair haired Rebecca is a classic beauty whose English accent would be sure to win me over as surely as the countless Greenpeace and Heart Foundation workers who harass me on my way to work each day. What is it about the accent that raises my ardor so?
While our Twitter conversations haven’t quite reached ribald levels yet, I’m quietly hoping this well traveled Belle comes to realize that bald and ginger is the new handsome and buff.
EDIT: We’ve since hung out twice and Becki is every bit as lovely in person as she is photogenic. What a catch!
#8 – Abby Tegnelia (Jungle Princess)
A Vegas girl with the looks of a showgirl, Abby from Jungle Princess has left behind the ho hum of day to day life to pursue things just a tad more exotic.
Working in the glitz and glamor of celebrity news, I daresay a few paparazzi shots of this bronzed beauty wouldn’t be unwelcome on the hard drives of my male readers.
I’ll be Tarzan and this jungle princess can be Jane.
#7 – Nellie Huang (Wild Junket)
Hot damn! With that cowboy hat, Nellie of Wild Junket is a travel blogging icon and a pretty damn foxy looking lady as well. Whether she’s scuba diving in glaciers or rocking the beach, Nellie is bound to be setting hearts aflutter and pants a-tentin’ wherever she goes.
There’s some kind of pun to be made about wild junk, but my brain’s a bit fried. Invent your own and post it below.
#6 - Toni White (Reclaiming my Future)
Toni won me over when she talked about how often her breasts spilled out of her top while in Africa. I was dismayed when she was unable to provide photographic proof.
My back-up visa bride, this delightful bit of British biscuit is more than welcome in my fair country and my messy bed should she ever get her sweet ass out of dreary England. And she can bring that lingerie she keeps mentioning on Facebook along too…
#5 – Mica Ivealis (Kaypacha Travels)
Aye aye aye! Super sexy Mica from Kaypacha Travels has seen the world but she’s never been to me. Don’t get the reference? It’s an awful song. I don’t blame you.
The photo above isn’t even the sauciest one out there. This is a girl who is more than confident that her banging bod is going to turn heads. When she’s not sunbathing naked on swinger’s cruises, Mica is trekking around the world with her boyfriend (the lucky son of a bitch) and enduring my drunken advances over Skype.
#4 – Alexandra Kovacova (Crazy Sexy Fun Traveller)
With a blog title that includes ‘Crazy’, ‘Sexy’, and ‘Fun’ in the title – you can just bet that this sultry Slovak would be an absolute handful in every department that matters.
She doesn’t quite hail from Russia with love, but you get the feeling that the exotic Alexandra would be right at home as a Bond femme fatale. This is one lovely lady with a license to thrill.
#3 - Nicole Blaess-Smith (Bitten by the Travel Bug)
If you’re bored of bikini bods (although I can’t imagine why you would be), here’s a ridiculously cute girl-next-door type who you’d be more than happy to have climbing through your bedroom window.
And yes, that was a Dawson’s Creek reference. I’m so old.
The first travel blogger I had the pleasure of sharing a bite with, Nicole was also the first travel blogger I ever drunk dialed. I still think Bitten by an Aussie on the Road has a real ring to it, but damned if this fresher cutie isn’t resisting my advances.
#2 – Lauren Juliff (Neverending Footsteps)
Dave of What’s Dave Doing (or should that be Who’s Dave Doing?) is a lucky man, because this saucy British minx is his arm candy.
While she calls me ‘poppet’, deep down I know this coconut bra wearing Goddess veils her lust for me with good natured insults and the occasional retweet. After all, our forbidden love can never hope to be while she’s living the dream in Thailand and I’m tied to a desk in Australia.
One of the worst offenders when it comes to vaguely sexual post titles that don’t feature a single bit of sex. Cruel torturer!
#1 – Melissa Grace (The Mellyboo Project)
The only girl I know who would be down with me using poutine in foreplay, the voluptuous and vivacious Mel is my visa fiancee and one of my bestest buds in the whole wide world.
I never did get to consummate my barely veiled lust with this chesty Canadian cutie, but we had entirely too many inappropriate conversations during her six month stint on Australian shores. I have no doubts that there’s a whole world of kink hidden behind those big beautiful eyes and that smattering of freckles.
Have I left anybody out? Which travel bloggers butter your biscuit? Who should I be adding to my reading/masturbatory fantasy list?