Life and Love on the Road, Relationships

Relationship Best Before: My Experience Expiry Dating and Breaking Up to Travel

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Relationship Best Before: My Experience Expiry Dating

When we made the decision, we had months before it would affect us. It was winter and we wouldn’t be saying goodbye until summer.

Suddenly, I was saying goodbye to co-workers and we were starting a seemingly unending parade of lasts. The last day at work was followed by the last dinner at the place we liked, the last time we had a couple date with so and so, the last run, the last episode of Game of Thrones…

…and just like that those months had become weeks and, all too soon, they were days.

We spent our last night together in bed watching movies, as if our lives weren’t going to change dramatically the following day.

By breakfast, the hours had become minutes and all too soon it was a taxi honking or a flight number being called.

Then it was last kisses, last hugs, last goodbyes, and that last long, lingering look at a person leaving your life forever.

And then the tears really came.

Breaking up to Travel

It may seem like an odd phenomenon to somebody who hasn’t spent a great deal of time on the road, but being in a relationship with a predetermined expiry date is something that many of us with the travel bug have had to deal with at one stage or another.

In my case, my two most significant adult relationships have – at some point – been given an expiry date. Neither person was the ‘love of my life’, but both were the only girls I ever loved for more than a few months; so that’s something.

I’ve written in the past about finding a relationship on the road and about dating while traveling, so it seems natural that I’d also write about breaking up on the road too.

If you’d like to read a post from immediately after a break-up on the road (one of the two that inspired this post), you can read all about Goodbyes.

Why Expiry Date?

There are a great many reasons why you might choose to ‘expiry date’, but the reason that leaps out at me is a simple one: because you care for the person and want to spend more time with them.

I remember when my girlfriend of two years and I announced to our friends that we’d be splitting up at the end of the year, a number of people asked me:

Why wait? Why not just break up now?

I guess in a conventional relationship, when you typically break up with somebody because you’re unhappy in the relationship, it must seem odd to have a reason other than ‘I am no longer happy with this person’ behind the break up.

My ex and I were not unhappy. Far from it. I look back fondly upon our last months together as some of the best of the relationship.  It was strangely liberating knowing that we had a finite amount of time together and that it was up to us to make it special. Rather than let the sadness of our imminent separation wear us down, we went out and got adventurous.

In the final months of that relationship, we:

In the other relationship we were no less adventurous. We visited Qingdao and Jiuzhaigou, and spent a wonderful month together backpacking in Thailand and Cambodia.

Sounds Crazy to Me, Chris

I can understand, though, why some people might think it’s easier to just break up when you realize that the relationship has a ‘best before’ sticker attached to it. After all, aren’t you only going to fall more in love with the person before they leave?

Won’t it save you a lot of tears if you end it now, rather than in a few months time?

I guess I can see the appeal in that route. Certainly, I didn’t stop caring for my partner in that time, and it’s safe to say that I continued to learn things about them and love them all the more as time went on.

It came down to a fairly simple sum.

Did I love this person enough that I wanted more time with them?

Was staying with them going to make me happy enough to justify sadness down the line?

To me, it was an easy decision to make. I’d let future Chris deal with the sadness, and present Chris could continue to be happy sharing his life with somebody he cared about.

Why Break Up, Then?

If this person made me happy and we weren’t unhappy, why were we breaking up?

I could take the easy route and say that it was a simple case of a visa expiring in both cases. That would certainly be a part of the reason.

The deeper reason, though, is that (in both cases) we wanted different things long-term. While we were both generally happy within the relationship for the time being and cared a great deal for our partner, we knew that the relationship couldn’t last forever.

One of us wanted to settle down while the other wanted to travel.

One of us wanted to spend another year in one destination while the other wanted to move on.

Relationships are about compromise, it’s true; but sometimes you have to acknowledge that compromising on something so fundamental would be doing both people in the relationship a disservice.

It was better to bid one another farewell and part on a high, rather than letting that compromise become resentment and, eventually, a sad ending to something that had been bright.

It’s the Seinfeld theory, really. Do you go out on a high while you still love one another? Or do you let it continue knowing that one of you is going to be giving up something that they love?

Maybe it seems cowardly to end the relationship, rather than take the time you have together and enjoy it, knowing you’ll hurt all the more at the end.

Or maybe it’s more cowardly to give the relationship an expiry date rather than seeing if the compromise could work.

I don’t know. I can’t.

The Pros and Cons of Expiry Dating

Pro

Con
You get more time with the person You fall more in love with the person
You go out ‘on a high’ Tearful airport goodbye
More kisses and sex Sadder kisses
No bitterness and arguing Wondering ‘What If?’

I’m sure there are more pros and cons to it, but these are the ones that leaped out at me back in 2010 – and they’re the ones I contemplated when I made the decision to expiry date in 2012 too.

Did I miss any?

So, You’re Expiry Dating…

Perhaps you’re reading this and you’re in a situation where you know the person you love/really like has to leave somewhere down the line. You’ve chosen to give it a go and you’re wondering how you’ll ever come to terms with the idea that this wonderful person is going to leave your life in the not too distant future.

I won’t lie and say the decision always sat well with me. There were nights that I’d kiss them goodnight and my heart would swell with love. I’d suddenly realize how little time we had left and it would all prove to be too much.

There were times when I’d realize we’d done something – even something as innocuous as riding the bus – for the last time and it hurt like a punch in the stomach.

But those times were outweighed by the extra memories I got to create with the person by sticking it out.

Surviving Expiry Dating

What would my tips be for surviving?

  • Don’t talk about it too often. It’s healthy to share your feelings, but if you’re talking about it every night – it’s only going to hurt you both.

  • Make new memories. Get out and do things together that you enjoy. Try things you’d always wanted to. Make those last months awesome, rather than sad.

  • Keep saying ‘I love you’. (Assuming you’ve already been saying it).

The most important tip?

  • Say goodbye

You’ve been blessed with something that few relationships that end have – a chance to say goodbye and end on a positive note.

If You Love Something, Set it Free

While others have to deal with angry phone calls, slammed doors, accusations, and unanswered questions that keep them up nights; you’re able to say goodbye to the person you love, hug them goodbye, and send them out into the world the happier for having had you in their life.

If you love something, you set it free – and sometimes, though it hurts to do it, that’s exactly what you have to do.

I’ve had relationships that ended with shouting or drunken arguments outside Gwangju bars.

I’ve asked myself ‘Why did she leave?’ or ‘Is she with somebody else?’ and kept myself up nights worrying over it.

I’ve also shared one last, tearful goodbye with a woman who changed my life for the better and been able to kiss her and say ‘I love you’ before sending her on her way.

I’ve sat, teary eyed in a coffee shop at a Nanjing airport and read a heartfelt letter to a woman who had been in my life for so long that the idea of her not being in it felt alien to me.

I got to bite back tears as she read hers to me, and give her a dozen kisses goodbye because we kept finding time for one more before her flight boarded.

Those tearful, heart-breaking moments were painful, I won’t lie.

They were both moments I can still recall with absolute clarity. Moments that reaffirmed that I was alive and that I had been lucky enough to love. Moments that, I’ll admit, I’ll never be able to recall without a hollow feeling in my gut.

But they were worth it for the extra time we had, and because in both cases we got to part with happy memories.

What I Learned Expiry Dating

I don’t ever want to die wondering.

My past is so full of ‘what ifs’ that I’ve long stopped beating myself up over missed opportunities and the things that could have been.

While it might have been easier in the long run to cut and run when we knew our time together was finite, I’m glad for the extra time I got to spend with the person. I’m glad for what it taught me about love and sacrifice.

Instead of two ugly, angry break-ups and a thousand unanswered questions, I got extra time with a person I loved and, perhaps more importantly, closure. We didn’t die wondering. We played right up to the whistle and got to say our goodbyes with sad but smiling hearts.

Both have also given me some valuable perspective when it comes to love and life. Sure, there’s a teenage touch of drama to the ‘lovers that can never be’ feel of it, but both experiences have both opened me up and hardened me.

They’ve opened me up to loving completely and openly without fearing the consequences.

They’ve hardened me in that I’ve experienced those sad moments, survived them, and can now look back at them for what they were: the ending of something great that, ultimately, wasn’t ‘the one’ for either of us.

And both were one helluva ride.

Your Say

Have you ever made the tough decision to stay with somebody despite knowing they would have to leave?

Do you have any tales of goodbyes on the road?

Or do you want to state a case for acting differently? Does expiry dating lead to more heartache than it’s worth?

Featured photo by Danny Howard, who somehow captured three couples saying goodbye at the same time.

Tanzania, Travel Daydream

Travel Daydream: Zanzibar

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I’m not gonna cook it, but I’ll order it from ZANZIBAR!

Up until a few weeks ago, Zanzibar was what I assumed was a restaurant referred to in Tenacious D’s romantic power ballad, F*ck Her Gently. Aside from being the song I try to get every woman I date let be ‘our song’, it’s also one of my karaoke mainstays.

The more you know.

Anyway, this is a particularly exciting Travel Daydream for me because it is actually going to happen! Of the seven travel daydreams I’ve previously shared with you, I’ve managed to fulfill none of them (although I have been to New Zealand and Las Vegas in the past). This one? It’s 100% going to happen. My flights to Tanzania by way of Kenya are booked, and I’ll be ending November chasing wildebeest, spotting lions lolling in the sun, and sipping ice cold fruit juice poolside in Zanzibar.

I’m very excited to be staying at the Chwaka Bay Resort while I’m on the island, with a one night stopover in Stone Town to take in the sights of this former spice and slave trading post.

Below are just a few things I’m looking forward to doing in my 4-5 days on Zanzibar.

Chill on the Beach

After a week’s safari through the Serengeti and having endured the tail end of the Aussie winter, I’ll be long overdue some me time on the beach with a book, a drink, and nothing to do but soak it all in.

How's the serenity? Photo by jbobo7
How’s the serenity? Photo by jbobo7

The one thing I didn’t do enough of in the Philippines was soak in the peace and quiet, so you’d best believe that it’s high on the agenda for my visit to Tanzania’s slice of paradise.

Zanzibar is famous for its beaches, and while Chwaka Bay isn’t quite as famous as Nungwi or Kendwa, I’m looking forward to working on my tan and spending some quality time with a few books.

Scuba Dive in Africa

One of my bucket list items is to scuba dive on every continent. After learning to scuba dive on the Great Barrier Reef in 2010 and doing a dive in Fiji in early 2011, I waited another three years before I scuba dived in Asia while visiting El Nido. To check off a second continent in the same year would leave me with just Europe, North America, and South America to go.

Not that we do these things to check them off lists. I’ve found few things in life to be quite as relaxing as scuba diving, and once I get by the sometimes frustrating task of equalising, I’m blissful hovering above the reef and just savouring the near silence.

There are a number of scuba dive centres on the island, so it’s a matter of shopping around and finding one that makes you most comfortable.

Explore Stone Town

Stone Town is a town steeped in history, particularly that showing the darker side of British colonialism. Stone Town is a former spice and slave trade centre, and it’s possible to explore this element of its history and forget that it existed before the British came into town. The UNESCO World Heritage site has also been the seat to the Sultanate of Oman during its history, and today boasts a remarkably diverse architectural style featuring elements of Arabic, Indian, East African, British, and Persian design.

The rooftops of Stone Town. Photo by Kyle Taylor.
The rooftops of Stone Town. Photo by Kyle Taylor.

Over Yonderlust highlights a number of things to do in Stone Town on a backpacker budget including the open air splendour of the Darjani Market and historic sites such as the old Slave Market and the ostentatiously named House of Wonders.

It’s also interesting to note that Freddie Mercury of Queen fame was born in Zanzibar, and there is a restaurant there full of Queen memorabilia that I’d love to check out.

Eat delicious food

If you’ve seen me, you know that I’m a guy who enjoys his food. One of the best things about exploring a new country and its culture is taking in its various culinary treasures. Having had little or no real experience with Tanzanian (or even East African) cuisine in the past, I’m excited to see what Tanzania has to offer.

A vendor at Forodhani Gardens in Stone Town. Photo by David Berkowitz.
A vendor at Forodhani Gardens in Stone Town. Photo by David Berkowitz.

Much like its architecture has been influenced by its cosmopolitan history, so to has Zanzibar’s cuisine been shaped by these influences. Contemporary Zanzibari cuisine is an intriguing blend of Portuguese, British, Bantu, Arab, Indian, and other influences, coming together to create something unique to the island.

Visit Prison Island

Located a short boat ride from Stone Town, Prison Island is a former slave prison and place of exile for diseased people, but belies its dark past by today being a popular place for tourists to come and see a native population of Aldabra giant tortoises.

Having never seen a giant tortoise before, I must admit I’m intrigued to take in the crumbling architecture and see some of these creatures who are among the most ancient species to still walk the earth.

Can You Tell I’m Excited?

It’s a shade over two months until I board a plane in Sydney and arrive in Tanzania some two days later, but I’m already very excited. I honestly didn’t think I’d ever make it to Africa, and I definitely didn’t think I’d get to witness the wonder of the Great Migration that almost 2 million wildebeest take each year across the Serengeti.

Zanzibar is the icing on the cake for me – spending a few days relaxing and unwinding in paradise will be my birthday present to myself, although I don’t turn the big 3-1 until I touch down in Sydney on December 2nd.

Looking for Inspiration?

This isn’t my first travel daydream. Check out the below articles for a little more travel inspiration for your working week.

Your Say

Have you ever been to Zanzibar? I’d love to hear about your favourite spots, dishes, or experiences from the island.

Featured photo by David Berkowitz, who is not the Son of Sam. Follow him on Twitter at @dberkowitz

Product Review, Travel Tips

Review: Kensington KeyFolio Executive Mobile Organiser

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An Apple Pin-Up Boy

As you might have gathered if you read my article about having Too Much Carry On, I’ve got something of an obsession with my electronics when I’m on the road. One comment even went so far as to label me an Apple pin up boy, and I guess that’s true. I’ve had an iPod since 2007, an iPhone since 2010, and an iPad since 2012.

Oh, ipad! You look smashing today!
Oh, ipad! You look smashing today!

If you want to get technical, though, I’ve been using Apple since I was old enough to sit down in front of a computer and make use of it. My very first computer experience came on an Apple IIe (the ol’ black and green screen), and the first computer I owned myself was my trusty old LC 575 on which I’d tap out game designs, novel ideas, and love letters I’d never send.

I went to university with a garishly pink iMac that my friends called ‘the jellybean’ and the less charitable labeled ‘a screaming sign of gayness’.

While these days I blog from a more generic PC, my betrayal of Apple and all things Mac was a switch of necessity in many ways. When the aforementioned Pink Jellybean went to the computer graveyard, I couldn’t afford a new Mac, but a friend sold me his old PC for $400.

Plus, and this remains important to this day: it can play video games!

So, while I doubt there are Apple computers putting up tasteful yet provocative shots of me in various states of undress in their cubicles, I guess ‘Apple pin-up boy’ is a pretty apt description.

When iDisaster Strikes!

My iPad had lasted just on a year when it had its first run in with disaster. The Sims FreePlay had been consuming my then girlfriend’s waking hours, and even though we were on vacation in Thailand, she had managed to find some time to check on her Sims in the most logical of places: the bathroom.

I was blissfully ignorant of my iPad’s perilous situation as I lay on the bed scrolling through my Facebook feed, but a thud and a startled cry alerted me to the very real danger my beloved purveyor of distraction was in.

My tearful girlfriend burst out of the bathroom holding a shattered iPad – all because of the fall from her lap to the tile floor. An innocuous enough bump for a Nokia, perhaps, but fatal for the comparatively fragile iPad.

Attempting to fix the problem only made it worse, as the dodgy back alley iPad doctor we found in Chiang Mai not only failed to replace the screen, but managed to destroy my iPad’s ability to pick up WiFi signal in the same gross case of electronic malpractice.

My iPad would become an expensive paperweight until I could return to Australia and fork out a few hundred dollars for a trade-in replacement, but I vowed never to leave my iPad’s life to chance again.

I needed protection.

Bodyguards where black suits and black shades. Why shouldn't your iPad look that cool?
Bodyguards where black suits and black shades. Why shouldn’t your iPad look that cool?

The Bodyguard

I needed a Kevin Costner to the Whitney Houston (may she rest in peace) that was my iPad, and so I began to audition replacements in earnest.

I initially settled for the generic case that Apple sells off the shelves. While it was suitably dapper and did the job of protecting my iPad from further bathroom accidents, it just screamed ‘generic’.

I then auditioned the Snugg iPad case I mentioned in the Too Much Carry On article. It looked the part and had a certain leather-bound book and rich mahogany charm that the Apple branded case didn’t, but it was all style and no substance.

What I needed was something that could turn my iPad from Girl Friday to the kind of girl you’d introduce to your mother.

I needed to turn my iPad from an expensive handheld gaming console into something I could use to boost my productivity.

Enter the KeyFolio Executive Mobile Organiser

I was preparing to leave China when Kensington asked me if I’d like to road test the KeyFolio Executive Mobile Organiser (try saying that ten times fast). With Whitney still very much in search of somebody strong yet sensitive to take care of her, I leaped at the opportunity.

The first thing you notice about the KeyFolio when you open it is that it’s a substantial unit. This isn’t a lightweight iPad case – it’s a thick, dark, leathery case that looks great and offers great protection as well. Suddenly, my iPad wasn’t just protected, she was looking smart too.

Open up the organiser and you see it’s a little more than just an iPad case.

Bluetooth Keyboard

A slim Bluetooth keyboard (the smallest and lightest of the three I’ve owned) is tucked away inside, ready to turn the iPad from gaming station to blogging machine. With the right apps for travel bloggers installed, it’s suddenly very feasible to use the iPad to do all of my blogging – rather than just as a place to hastily tap out notes. Unlike my previous two keyboard cases, it also comes with a handy USB charger with which to charge the keyboard.

The ultra slim keyboard is lightweight, meaning you don't do yourself an injury carrying it around.
The ultra slim keyboard is lightweight, meaning you don’t do yourself an injury carrying it around.

Perhaps none of this sounds remarkable to you yet. After all, there is no shortage of keyboard cases out there for iPad. Hell, I’ve owned two others before. What makes the KFEMO stand out?

Storage Space

For one, it’s got a handy pocket inside the case into which you can put business cards, pens, and other essentials for looking terribly professional while using your iPad. The pockets could just as easily be used to accommodate your passport, driver’s license, or a little cash as well – if you’re an ‘every egg in one basket’ kind of guy.

Old Meets New

The other feature that I love about the case is one that blends the new world convenience of the iPad with the old world practicality of a traditional notepad. Sometimes your iPad will run out of battery or you’ll just feel that getting your ideas down on paper makes them feel more official.

Side by side. A match made in heaven.
Side by side. A match made in heaven.

The organiser has a built in space for you to store a pad (up to 7″ x 9.5″) so that you’ve got both options at your fingertips. You can scribble notes onto the notepad and, when it comes time to commit them to the vault that is the internet, you can fire up the keyboard and type out your thoughts for the entire world to see.

 The Verdict

Since taking the iPlunge and iPurchasing an iPad, I’ve gone through two iPads and a total of six cases now. My shiny new KeyFolio Executive Mobile Organiser is by far my favourite of these for a number of reasons.

First and foremost, its bluetooth keyboard/notepad combination is a Godsend for me. I often use my iPad for blogging, but I do like the tactile sensation of writing on paper from time to time. I’ve got dozens of notebooks lying around in storage that I always forget to bring when I absolutely need one, so having one chained to my iPad is of great use to me.

The extra storage space for pens, pencils, business cards, and the like is also likely to come in handy for me. I never remember my Aussie on the Road business cards when I’m on the road (ironic, eh?) and I can see myself depositing my passport here rather than carrying around a second case for it everywhere I go.

While the size and weight of the case may make it less than ideal for day to day backpacker style travel, I’ve long ago stopped trying to pretend that is who I am. I’m a guy who likes his private rooms, his halfway decent food, and his little luxuries when he’s on the road. Shouldn’t my iPad get the same kind of pampering?

 

Australia, China, Countdowns, Great Britain, New Zealand, and 1 more
desert road by William Warby

Five Dream Road Trips

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Hooray for Road Trips!

There are many ways to take in a country; from the pre-packaged and pre-planned tours that take the hassle out of planning a trip and ensure you see all the shiniest sites all the way to the by the seat of your pants backpacker lifestyle that some of my contemporaries live. Travel comes in bite-sized chunks like my upcoming ten day trip to Tanzania or sizable stints of our lives, like my two and a half year stints in both South Korea and China.

One of my favourite ways to see a country, though, is through the humble road trip.

Those who know me (and know that I don’t drive) might find it odd that I find road trips to be such a fantastic way to see a country, but in my eyes, there’s really no better way to take in a country’s iconic sights while still getting to experience how people live their day to day lives in the country.

Today, I’ve selected five countries that I think are particularly road trip friendly, but I’d love to hear your own suggestions or stories from your own road trips in the comments section.

#5 – New Zealand

New Zealand is a land of startling contrasts. It’s the kind of place where you can start your day standing in a steamy subtropical rainforest and end it standing atop an icy glacier staring out over a muddy river. It’s Rohan and The Shire and Gondor. It’s towering mountains and volcanoes, beautiful windswept beaches, sheer cliffs around stunning fjords, and everything in between.

My 2010 trip to New Zealand gave me the tiniest taste of just how stunning New Zealand’s geographical diverse south island can be, and I’d love to someday rent a car or van and take my time exploring the many beautiful landscapes that make New Zealand such a popular place with both tourists and Hollywood big-wigs.

New Zealanders rank among the friendliest people you’ll ever encounter as well, and the many small towns on the south island have a really warm and inclusive vibe to them. Towns like Nelson, Greymouth, and Franz Josef felt oddly like coming home whenever our shuttle pulled up and called it a day.

Just chilling out on a glacier. No big deal.
Just chilling out on a glacier. No big deal.

#4 – China

If you’ve ever been on a Chinese road, you might think that attempting to take a road trip across the country would be some convoluted method of committing suicide, but reading Peter Hessler’s Country Driving: A Chinese Road Trip has me eager to get out and stretch my legs (tires) on the roads in China. Never fear, you don’t have to be near death on the Karakoram Highway to make a Chinese road trip one to remember.

My co-worker and I posing along the Karakorum Highway in 2012.
My co-worker and I posing along the Karakorum Highway in 2012.

My experiences in less urbanized provinces such as Xinjiang and Sichuan already gave me a taste of a more traditional China than the vast, industrial mess that is Jiangsu province; and I was pleasantly surprised to find people in these less developed provinces to be much friendlier and considerate than the pushing, shoving horde that dominates cities such as Shanghai and Nanjing.

While Chinese roads vary wildly between the super modern expressways to the borderline goat tracks that comprise portions of the Karakoram Highway, a 4WD and an adventurous spirit would make such a journey a truly amazing way to explore one of the world’s oldest cultures. Away from the westernized cities with their KFCs, boutique outlets, and smoggy skylines you’ll find everything from sleepy mountain villages to nomadic herdsmen to ancient temple complexes, and get to see China as it was rather than as it pretends to be today.

A yurt high up on the mountains along the Karakorum Highway. You won't find this on the east coast!
A yurt high up on the mountains along the Karakorum Highway. You won’t find this on the east coast!

#3 – The United Kingdom

No country does quaint villages quite like the United Kingdom, and I’d love the chance to someday make my way around England, Scotland, and Wales at a leisurely pace. The country’s small size makes ‘seeing it all’ considerably more achievable than tackling the size of China, Australia, or the United States – and outside of the cities there’s a wonderful country charm that encourages you to stop, take a deep breath, and take in the serenity.

My visit to the UK earlier this year didn’t give me an opportunity for any road trips, but I was thoroughly enchanted by pub lunches in small towns like Sutton and Chippenham, while locations such as Lacock and Stonehenge made it feel like I’d gone back in time without having to drive for hours to get away from the hustle and bustle of city life.

Visiting Lacock on a misty autumn morning, it was easy to pretend I'd gone back in time. Photo by Karen Roe.
Visiting Lacock on a misty autumn morning, it was easy to pretend I’d gone back in time. Photo by Karen Roe.

The scenery in Scotland was utterly breath-taking, and my day long bus tour from Edinburgh through Glencoe and up to Loch Ness was one of the most memorable drives I’ve ever been on. It’s remarkable to think that a country so densely populated and so influential on the world stage can have peace and natural beauty in such abundance, and it’s all so close together that the UK makes for one of the most road trip friendly nations on earth.

#2 – Australia

One of the things I’m most excited about with being home for a spell is that I’ll get to take a few road trips to see more of my own back yard. Over the next few months I’ll be making trips to places such as Coffs Harbour, Brisbane, Toowoomba, and the Hunter Valley. While I’m lucky enough to have friends and siblings willing to do the driving (and provide the car), it’s remarkably affordable to pick up a road worthy car in Australia second hand. Reputable dealers such as John Hughes in WA make it really easy to get out of the city and on the road.

Australia is a truly huge country, and while the densely populated east coast is fairly easy to navigate – getting around its more sparsely populated interior is going to take patience and a whole bunch of time. If you’ve been following yTravel’s epic Australia road trip as closely as I have, though, you’ll be beginning to get an idea of just how much there is to see in Australia beyond the Opera House, the Great Barrier Reef, and Uluru.

A road trip up the NSW coast in 2011 saw us discover this idyllic, absolutely empty beach.
A road trip up the NSW coast in 2011 saw us discover this idyllic, absolutely empty beach.

While many Australians wait until they’ve retired to buy a caravan (mobile home) and get out on the road, I’d sorely love to one day just get out and take it all in. You’d be hard pressed to find an Aussie country town without its own quirky local festivals and customs, and when the towns get boring – there’s always Australia’s unique wildlife and harshly beautiful interior to keep you company.

#1 – The United States

It’s fitting that the country that invented the road trip feature at #1 on my list. Where Australia suffers from things being a tad far apart in its interior, there’s so much to see and do in the United States that even attempting to hit it all in one road trip would be a massive feat of patience, planning, and expense management.

Chilling out on Route 66 in 2009.
Chilling out on Route 66 in 2009.

I’ve taken two road trips in my visits to the United States – one spanning much of Idaho and Oregon, and a second taking us from Los Angeles up through San Francisco via Yosemite National Park. In both cases, it was a case of popping on the right mix-tape, taking in the sights, and trying not to overindulge at the many rest stops and fast food joints along the way.

Hell, a food road trip of the United States might just be the way I’d like to die…

Neil Gaiman’s wonderful American Gods (which I’m in the process of re-reading) features quite a bit of time spent on the road and in small town America, and it also highlights the cultural significance of roadside attractions. The bright lights of New York or Las Vegas might be what draw most people to the United States, but I see a whole lot of appeal in getting away from the best known sights and seeing what happens between the lines as well.

Your Say

Have you ever taken a road trip across a country? What advice or tales do you have to share?

If you’ve not yet made a huge road trip, would you like to? Where?

Featured image by William Warby

Depression, Life on the Road

R U OK? A Personal Experience

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Aussie on the Road with depression

While Aussie on the Road started out as an outlet with which to share my travel experiences, it’s grown a bit beyond that in recent years as I’ve also used the site to share stories from my ongoing battle with depression.

People often wonder why I share so much of what can be an intensely personal struggle in such a public forum. I do this for two reasons:

First and foremost, I have never thought of my depression as something I ought to be ashamed of or secretive about. I did not come by my depression because I made bad life choices – it’s as much a part of me as a person being short-sighted or having a genetic illness. I don’t think it makes me brave to share my story because talking about something that is such a huge part of my life seems natural. Depression has, in many ways, defined who I am – I’m not going to pretend it’s not there.

Secondly, I share my story because if doing so in any way helps other people come to grips with their own struggle, it is worth the relatively small amount of time it took me to write and share the story. Every time a person emails or comments thanking me for sharing my story or asking for advice, I feel like I’ve made a positive difference in the world.

I’m not an expert on dealing with the black dog and I’ll never claim to be, but if my own struggles can in any way help a person to better deal with their own demons or encourage them to seek the help they need – I’ll go to bed a slightly happier man.

Talking About Depression

In recent weeks and months, a number of high profile suicides have brought depression into the public eye in a way I don’t think it’s ever been before.

The tragic passing of Robin Williams and the more recent death of G.R.L’s Simone Battle have given people the slap in the face that they perhaps needed. Depression is not the illness of losers or sad cases with nothing to live for – it can strike the richest and most successful of us.

In some ways, that’s a frightening thought. If somebody who had the life, the fans, the fame, and the wealth of Robin Williams can find it all too much to bear – how is an ordinary person like myself supposed to survive?

Of course, it’s not as simple as all that. Major depressive disorder affects sufferers differently and so to do our circumstances differ greatly as well. Some of us are lucky enough to hit our lows while in a safe place surrounded by friends and family, for example, while others find themselves left to fend off the black dog alone.

I don’t ever want to know how that must feel.

R U OK?

Today (September 11th) is R U OK Day in Australia. This charity encourages people to do something so simple that it seems criminal that we haven’t been doing it all along.

It asks us to ask those around us “Are you okay?”

It might not seem like a lot, but to a sufferer of depression, being asked that question by somebody who is willing to hear the answer – however ugly it may be – can literally be a life-saver.

It’s all too easy for us to paste on a smile and tell the lie we’ve become so adept at telling. Of course we’re okay. We’re normal people, aren’t we? What could possibly be wrong?

A person without depression might not understand just how infuriating the condition can be. We can have it all and still find ourselves struggling to get out of bed. We can be surrounded by friends or loved ones, and feel so alone that it’s all we can do to make it out of the room before we burst into tears. Depression doesn’t just defy logic, it spits in its face.

Ideally, every day of the year would be R U OK Day. We’d all take a moment from our own thoughts and concerns to ask those around us if they’re okay.

And if they smiled and said yes?

We’d ask them again, just to be sure.

My R U OK Moment

It was early 2012 and I’d recently taken the relatively huge step of sharing my story about depression via this site. The post got a massive amount of traffic and a lot of comments, emails, Tweets, and texts of encouragement.

All of that positive feedback should have made me feel like I was cared for, but for whatever reason, it didn’t have that effect on me. I appreciated it and acknowledged it for what it was, but it didn’t make my bedroom feel any less lonely or the world outside any less daunting.

At the time I was working in a wonderfully positive environment, lived with great friends, and had recently had my credit card debt paid off. I had no logical reason to be depressed.

But I was.

I’d taken so many sick days at work that I’d had to attend a meeting to address the issue. I was spending every last cent I had trying to buy the thing that would make me happy. That I didn’t know what it was didn’t stop me, and so I began to go back into debt almost as soon as I’d been liberated from it.

Despite knowing that I had friends who wanted to spend time with me, I’d blow them off because the idea of having to put on the happy face and tell jokes exhausted me.

I was at something of an all-time low, to put it lightly.

It was a simple thing that amended my freefall and got me slowly on the road to being a happier person again.

Somebody (well, two people) took the time to invite me out for dinner and ask me, straight to my face, “Are you okay?”

That might not sound like much, but thinking about it as I write, it brings tears of gratitude to my eyes all over again.

For a moment after they asked me, I thought about telling them that familiar lie: “Yeah, I’m fine”.

Instead, I cried and I let them hug me.

We were standing at the crowded Opera Bar with dozens of people going on about their lives unmoved by what was weighing on me, but at that moment two people made my struggle theirs – and it made a world of difference.

Once I finished crying, we settled in for a perfectly ordinary dinner. We ate, we talked about our lives, and I went home knowing some things that, deep down, I’d known all along. That I was loved, that people cared, and that I didn’t have to do it all alone.

It was a simple gesture, ultimately; but it was one that made a world of difference to me when I didn’t think anything could.

———-

The weirdest part? The two people who asked and who I told were not my closest friends, nor were they family.

I don’t want to give the idea that they were the first people to ask, though.

Friends and family have asked many times, but I’ve always lied.

Why?

For me, it will never be easy to discuss my depression with my family or my oldest friends, simply because they’ve known the “part” I’ve played for so long now that it feels wrong to be any other way with them.

Ask “R U OK?”

So, if you’re thinking that you don’t know the person well enough to ask, don’t be afraid.

Ultimately, you’re only asking them “Are you okay?”

The absolute worst thing they can do is say “Yes” and go about their day.

Sometimes our depression makes us feel like a burden to those around us or that we need to suffer in silence, and sometimes I find myself answering ‘Yes’ to that question even when I’m anything but.

Today and in the future, I hope you take the time to ask those around you, “Are you okay?”

And if you find yourself asked, I hope you find the strength to take the plunge and answer truthfully.

Nobody has to do this alone.

——————

Thank you to Nick and Jemma for reminding me of that on that hot summer evening in 2012.

Thank you to my many friends around the world for being there in person, by text, by email, or by Facebook.

And thanks, most of all, to my wonderful family who never let a day pass without letting me know that I matter more than I allow myself to believe.