A Long Time Ago on a Website Far, Far Away…
It was roughly two years ago that I put out my tongue-in-cheek and occasionally controversial Top 15 Travel Blogging Crushes.
While those on the list seemed pretty happy with the attention, more than a few shunned female bloggers took their exclusion as a slap in the face. Who knew the opinion of one bearded, portly lad from Oz meant so much? Another year has rolled around and it’s time for me to risk the wrath of the interwebs by putting together a new list of travel blogging crushes.
I cannot stress enough that the comments below are meant as light-hearted fun. While you are all doubtlessly attractive, I’m definitely not sitting here right now naked with a pump action bottle of moisturiser at hand and Barry White playing in the background. As those bloggers who have met me can attest, I’m perfectly harmless.
Of course, they said that about Jeffrey Dahmer as well…
If I do somehow forget to include you – send bikini clad pictures to email@example.com and I’ll be sure to consider you for 2015. Enough foreplay – let’s
thrust dive straight in!
#20 – Danielle Lyon (Scottish Nomad)
I was lucky enough to meet this gorgeous Scot while living in Sydney, and while she’s since broken my heart by marrying some dashingly handsome bastard, it’s okay for a guy to swoon from afar, right? A relative newcomer to the travel blogging scene, this pint sized cutie has eyes a guy could pretend to drown in hoping she’d be the one on hand to deliver mouth to mouth.
And as a proud Scot, I reckon she’d be quite adept at tossing the ol’ caber too… There’s probably a joke to be made about us having a highland fling and her checking under my kilt too, but I’m too mature for such juvenile comments.
#19 – Kate McCulley (Adventurous Kate)
I’m not sure how the first lady of travel blogging failed to make it onto my first list, but I’m sure I’m not alone in wondering if Kate is just as adventurous behind closed doors as she is in real life. A girl who so proudly checks out ping pong shows has got to be a bit of fun, surely?
While her roguishly handsome Maltese stallion might have a thing or two to say about it, it’d be worth the risk for those dazzling eyes and the opportunity to pick the brain of one of the most successful travel bloggers out there.
Let’s be honest, as good looking as Nomadic Matt is, I’d rather not have to dress in drag and speak in falsetto to woo that particular font of knowledge.
#18 – Beverley Reinemann (Pack Your Passport)
With that cute little nose ring and a curvaceous, come hither frame, the woman behind Pack Your Passport is all kinds of cute and allegedly looking for a bearded, tattooed man to lead her around the world like in the famous series of photos. While I may not have any ink (yet), I’ve got enough beard for two men. That’s got to count for something, right? So, I’ll pack a picnic lunch and she can pack her passport, and we’ll see where things lead.
#17 – Charli & Ben (Wanderlusters)
A rare couples appearance on the count-down, but I’m game if they are. As my bucket list has already revealed, I’m not above having myself a Devil’s Threeway. The Wanderlusters are experts at the house-sit, but you’ve got to wonder how much of a jump it would be to get them to move from sharing houses to sharing partners.
#16 – Edna Zhou (Expat Edna)
Edna was one of those scandalized by the fact they weren’t included on the 2011 count-down, and even went so far as to wonder if she’d have made the cut if she’d posted more bikini pics.
The short answer, of course, is yes.
But this gorgeous expat fled the humdrum of American life years ago and proved she’s a real lover of travel when living in China of all places made her an addict. That’s like becoming addicted to weed from somebody breathing it in your vicinity.
These days she’s traveling the world and looking fabulous doing it. She’s had to break off an engagement due to her traveling lifestyle, so I’m here to do my best superhero impersonation. You can call me… Rebound Guy!
#15 – Candace Rardon (The Great Affair)
This beautiful American is already engaged in one steamy affair with some lucky son of a bitch known as ‘travel’, but I’m here to suggest she could handle a second considerably Less Than Great Affair with this Aussie layabout.
She very nearly lost me when she claimed to hate Disney and cats, but her loathing of dentists and her love of Mexican food & Wes Anderson films balances things out somewhat. She’s a qualified travel writer and a talented artist, so I’ll be here Rose if she’ll be my Jack Dawson. I promise, I’ll even make room for her on the door when the boat sinks!
#14 – Larissa (The Blonde Gypsy)
I cannot confirm or deny if Larissa of The Blonde Gypsy is in fact, a gypsy, but I have it from a reliable source (my mother) that our family tree includes the wandering people. So, should Larissa ever want a little gypsy in her, I’d be more than happy to oblige.
Bad pick-up lines aside, this unconventional and lovely traveler claims “follow this blog for a good time”, the kind of thing I imagine you find scrawled in a toilet stall at TBEX.
As a solo female traveler, Larissa can certainly take care of herself. That’s going to come in handy, because I’m absolutely terrified of spiders and cannot read a map.
#13 – Kyle Hepp (Kyle Hepp)
Kyle’s less a travel blogger and more of a photographer, but I just couldn’t say no to including this beautiful shutterbug.
Her recent crossfit exploits have me convinced I’ll need to hit the gym before I’m any hope of keeping up with her, but I imagine this professional photographer could take some wicked selfies on SnapChat to inspire me to lose a few pounds.
Maybe someday I’ll be lucky enough to share a pisco sour with this Chilean firecracker while she photographs our own wedding?
#12 – Tom Stockwell (Waegook Tom)
This year’s man candy is that handsome Brit most recently out of South Korea. While I’m certainly in the openly gay Tom’s demographic sex-wise, I’m afraid I’m a little hairier and huskier than might be his type.
Nevermind though, I’m told I’d make one hell of a bear if I ever crossed the line, and I’d even shave my chest so the long term Korean expat and I could introduce kimchi into our foreplay. Spicy!
It’s actually proven surprisingly difficult to find a picture of Tom – an unabashed foodie – without something in his mouth. That could play in my favour, come to think of it…
#11 – Alexandra Pucherelli (Fluent in Frolicking)
I first came across this scrumptious little bit of Maui magnificence while coordinating the recent Travel Blogging Calendar. She might profess to be fluent in frolicking, but damned if I don’t want to find out if she’s also fluent in foreplay.
Those classic curves and that gorgeous face? It’s criminal that Miss October didn’t see those babies flying off the shelves like hotcakes!
#10 – Lainie Liberti (Raising Miro)
The second participant from the Travel Blogging Calendar to rate a mention in this list, Lainie is one yummy mummy out taking on the world and breaking hearts as she goes. While I’m sure she’s got her hands more than full being a single Mum who just happens to also travel the world, everybody needs a hobby. I’m every bit as engaging as most hobbies, and considerably less messy than cooking or painting!
#9 – Valeri (Valeri Downunder)
Valeri recently put herself on my radar by inviting herself on my upcoming vacation, although she’s hit my shit-list by revealing she wasn’t actually serious about donning a bikini and hitting the beaches of the Philippines with me.
Still, if there are two things I’ve proven to love over the last decade or so, it’s Americans and Americans who love Australia; so Valeri’s checking both boxes.
#8 – Jess Jones (Journey with Jess Jones)
Another Travel Blogging Calendar alumni, Jess certainly looked better rocking her scandalous scarf look than I did trying to be pensive on the California coast.
While she loses points for quoting the abomination that is Eat. Pray. Love, I’ll let it slide on account of the fact she’s an absolute stunner and she’s shown she has a heart of gold by participating in both last year’s and this year’s Travel Blogging Calendar projects.
This year she’s helping to save the elephants, and I’m not above dabbing on some grey paint and pretending if it’ll get her to help with a trunk issue I’ve been having.
#7 – Toni White (Reclaiming My Future)
Toni was on the previous count-down and she’s the sole returning entry this time around. Downunder and rocking the bikini like she invented it, this blonde bombshell from the UK is certainly disproving the myth that all Brits are pale and pasty.
She’s been quite open about sharing her tales of lust on the road, so I’m hoping someday our paths will cross and I can be an embarassing story she tells the lads at the site formerly known as Travel Sex Life.
With both of us also having done battle with the dreaded black dog from time to time, maybe we can forget our woes with a bit of black doggy style and some heavy petting. Ouch. Those are some bad puns.
#6 – Laurel Robbins (Monkeys & Mountains)
Laurel of Monkeys and Mountains clearly has a soft spot for our primate cousins, so it’s one of those rare occasions in life where my hairy body, love of bananas, and ability to manipulate rudimentary tools is likely to play into my hands.
Yes, she’s married to some German hunk and has a problem with mandatory nakedness, so that dampens my chances somewhat; but I’m willing to look past it on account of her being an adventure junkie and a social media expert.
She could feed me sliced fruit and educate me on improving my Twitter following, and I’d occasionally make monkey noises so her husband didn’t get wise. Perfect plan.
#5 – Hilary Billings (The Nomad Grad)
It’s no secret that I’m a sucker for redheads, and this one just happens to also be right into the retro movement that I’ve always found so fascinating. A cutie who can swing dance and then break to talk travel blogging afterwards? Hold me back!
Hilary has also been awarded the title of Miss Nevada this year, so it’s not just me who finds who gorgeous and talented. With her blog getting all the more successful, maybe it’s time ‘Beauty’ met ‘The Beast’ and we started a joint blog. Aussie on the Beauty Queen has a nice ring to it, right?
#4 – Heather Flemion (Nomadic Amerian)
I’ve included my ex here (rather than at #1) to avoid claims of bias and, besides, it’s not really a crush if you’ve already spent a year traveling with and doing unspeakably nasty things to them, is it?
This petite American with a honky tonk badonkadonk is another relatively newcomer to the travel blogging scene, but I taught her a few things in exchange for her teaching me a few things, if you know what I’m saying.
Bound for Australia next year, one can only imagine how fine she’s going to look once the Aussie sun has given her that year round tan we’re all famous for in the land downunder.
#3 – Kiersten Rich (The Blonde Abroad)
When a person’s ‘About Me’ page includes the phrase ‘former model’, they’ve got my attention. And a quick browse through Kiersten’s photo pages has more than kept my attention. While the statuesque blonde abroad wasn’t kind enough to grace the Travel Blogging Calendar with her presence, I’m hoping she’ll atone by doing a different kind of charity and deigning to mack with this bearded, portly Aussie.
#2 – Kait Burke (Where is Kait?)
Where is Kait? I’ll tell you where she’s not: in my bed. That travesty needs to be remedied immediately!
This brunette beauty hails from Hawaii and northern California, so she loves the beach and has an even bigger love of anything coconut. Just wait until I bust out that picture of me wearing a coconut bra and grass skirt. She’ll be mine!
She’s a sucker for football (real football), loves the Aussie accent, prefers a beer and thongs to wine and high heels, and apparently makes the best grilled cheese sandwich in the world. Oh, and she’s a hopeless romantic to boot. This may have just graduated from crush to full blown love affair.
Did I mention she loves tequila too? I guess we’ll have to say if the song holds true and “tequila makes her clothes fall off”.
#1 – Klelia (Keep Calm & Travel)
Where have you been all my life? This feisty Italian firecracker caught my eye when Facebook suggested we be friends. While the site often suggests I like Justin Bieber or Home & Away, I’m pleased to say that this time the site was dead on. If only my OK Cupid account was this accurate in its prediction of my tastes.
The woman behind Keep Calm & Travel makes it bloody hard to keep calm, as any red blooded man seeing her picture can attest. While I’ll never fully forgive Italy for the way Fabio Grosso took a dive against the Socceroos in 2006, maybe Klelia could convince me that not all Italians are so bad.
Who are your travel blogging crushes? Are there any glaring omissions on my part?
Are you scandalized by your absence or inclusion?